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<<set $Money =
156000000000>><<set $invest = 0>><<set $flint = 0>><<set $EUtaxes =
0>><<set $amazonsalaries = 0>><<set $homelessness = 0>><<set
$puertorico = 0>><<set $teachers = 0>><<set $artists = 0>><<set
$nasa = 0>><<set $mythbusters = 0>><<set $buddies = 0>><<set
$twitter = 0>><<set $borderwall = 0>><<set $assassins = 0>><<set
$anime = 0>><<set $library = 0>><<set $vidya = 0>><<set
$electoralcollege = 0>><<set $personaltaxes = 0>><<set $animals =
0>><<set $endcondition = 0>><<set $secretelon = 0>><<set
$secretzuckerberg = 0>><<set $secretgates = 0>><<set $secretkoch =
0>><<set $secrettrump = 0>><<set $bathroom = 0>>When you wake up this
morning from unsettling dreams, you find yourself changed in your bed into a monstrous vermin.
[[You are Jeff Bezos.|Explanation]]
<<if ($ending_true eq 1) or ($ending_neutral eq 1) or ($ending_bad eq 1) or ($ending_secret1 eq 1)
or ($ending_secret2 eq 1) or ($ending_secret3 eq 1)>><small>[[Completion
Progress]]</small><<endif>>Jeff Bezos' employees are now your employees. His money is
now your money. Nothing you say or do will convince anyone you are not Jeff Bezos, even his closest
friends and family.
What do you do?
[[I go to the bathroom.|Bathroom 1]]
[[I scream and sob with terror over this unnatural event.|Useless]]
[[I spend all his fucking money.|Explanation 2]]<<set $Money to $Money +
540000>><<set $bathroom = 1>>You go to the bathroom. It takes you about nine minutes
to do all your business. You flush the toilet, because any game with a bathroom that does not allow you
to flush the toilet is not a real game.
In that nine minutes, you, Jeff Bezos, make $540,000. That's more than nine times an American's
average annual salary and 20 times the median salary of an Amazon employee.
[[Jesus christ.|choice 2]]You spend some time howling and tearing at your flesh with unfamiliar
hands. It doesn't do any good. You are still Jeff Bezos.
[[How do I end this??|Useless 2]]Jeff Bezos' current wealth is displayed on the left. Below are
some things you might consider spending it on.
<strike>Pay off student loan debt (-$1.5 trillion)</strike>
<<if ($puertorico eq 0) and ($Money gte 139000000000)>>[[Repair Puerto Rico (-$139
billion)|Puerto Rico 1]]<<else>><strike>Repair Puerto Rico (-$139
billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($borderwall eq 0) and ($Money gte 70000000000)>>[[Pay for the Border Wall and then not
build it (-$70 billion)|Border wall 1]]<<else>><strike>Pay for the Border Wall and
then not build it (-$70 billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($personaltaxes eq 0) and ($Money gte 57720000000)>>[[Pay personal taxes (-$57.72
billion)|Personal taxes 1]]<<else>><strike>Pay personal taxes (-$57.72
billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($teachers eq 0) and ($Money gte 22400000000)>>[[Hire 100,000 new teachers for four
years each (-$22.4 billion)|Teachers 1]]<<else>><strike>Hire 100,000 new teachers for
four years each (-$22.4 billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($homelessness eq 0) and ($Money gte 20000000000)>>[[End homelessness in the United
States (-$20 billion)|End homelessness 1]]<<else>><strike>End homelessness in the
United States (-$20 billion)</strike><<endif>><<set $endcondition = 1>>I'm
no expert but you may find a way back to your real body if you spend all of Jeff Bezos' money, thus
disintegrating his physical form.
[[That... doesn't make any sense.|Useless 3]]
[[Fine, but do I have to spend it?|Investing]]<<set $invest = 1>>Look, waking up in the body of
a billionaire doesn't make much sense either, but this is what we have to work with. Believe me,
it's not too pleasant from this end either.
Anyway, even <em>if</em> spending all of Jeff Bezos' money doesn't get you back
where you're supposed to be, you'll still be the hero who spent all of Jeff Bezos' money.
[[But there are so many smarter ways to use Jeff Bezos' money. I could invest
it--|Investing]]<<if $invest eq 1>><strong>NO.
</strong><<else>><<endif>>You cannot invest it, keep it, or earn more of
it. You can only spend it.
[[But that's a really inefficient way to use wealth.|Details]]
[[Oh, all right.|Explanation 2]]Sure, sure. It's also true that no billionaire just sits on a
giant pile of cash; most of Bezos' wealth is abstracted into stocks, investments, and so forth.
But that's not the scope of this simulation. This simulation is about <strong>spending all of
Jeff Bezos' fucking money</strong>.
[[Well, all right.|Explanation 2]]Current Worth:
$<<print window.formatNumber($Money)>>Yeah, it's kinda horrifying, isn't it.
[[Right, OK. How do I get rid of all this money?|Investing]]
[[I go to the bathroom again.|Bathroom 2]]You may be inhabiting the body of a 54-year-old, but that
doesn't mean you need to pee again <em>that</em> quickly.
[[Eh, it was worth a shot.|Bathroom 3]]
[[Wait, Bezos is only 54?|Age]]<<set $invest = 1>>Anyway, now that you've done your
business, it's time to spend Jeff Bezos' money.
[[Do I have to spend it? Can't I like, invest it or hoard it
or--|Investing]]Yeah, I was surprised too. Guess all the Botox injections in the world can't help you
when you hit the tanning booth that much.
[[Urgh.|Bathroom 3]]You get a phone call on your personal line from your main financial
advisor, apparently distressed. You ignore it.
<strike>Pay off student loan debt (-$1.5 trillion)</strike>
<<if ($puertorico eq 0) and ($Money gte 139000000000)>>[[Repair Puerto Rico (-$139
billion)|Puerto Rico 2]]<<else>><strike>Repair Puerto Rico (-$139
billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($borderwall eq 0) and ($Money gte 70000000000)>>[[Pay for the Border Wall and then not
build it (-$70 billion)|Border wall 2]]<<else>><strike>Pay for the Border Wall and
then not build it (-$70 billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($personaltaxes eq 0) and ($Money gte 57720000000)>>[[Pay personal taxes (-$57.72
billion)|Personal taxes 2]]<<else>><strike>Pay personal taxes (-$57.72
billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($teachers eq 0) and ($Money gte 22400000000)>>[[Hire 100,000 new teachers for four
years each (-$22.4 billion)|Teachers 2]]<<else>><strike>Hire 100,000 new teachers for
four years each (-$22.4 billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($homelessness eq 0) and ($Money gte 20000000000)>>[[End homelessness in the United
States (-$20 billion)|End homelessness 2]]<<else>><strike>End homelessness in the
United States (-$20 billion)</strike><<endif>>
[[What else?|Spend new menu]]<center><strong><u>CREDITS</u></strong></center>Written
by <a href="https://twitter.com/krisligman" target="_blank">Kris
Ligman</a> in Twine 2.
Special thanks to <a href="https://twitter.com/Videlais" target="_blank">Dan
Cox</a> and the <a href="https://twinery.org/cookbook/"
target="_blank">Twine Cookbook</a>. This game draws design inspiration from Zoë
Quinn's <a href="http://www.depressionquest.com/"
target="_blank"><em>Depression Quest</em></a> and Squinky's <a
href="http://squinky.me/2014/09/01/quings-quest-vii-the-death-of-videogames/"
target="_blank"><em>Quing's Quest VII</em></a>.
<center><strong><u>DISCLAIMER</u></strong></center>This is a work of
fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products
of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons,
living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
<center><strong>NOT TO BE TREATED AS A SERIOUS RESOURCE FOR MONEY NUMBERS OR FINANCIAL
ADVICE IF YOU ARE INDEED JEFF BEZOS</strong></center>
Let's be honest, this game is mostly just a thought experiment. A lot of the numbers here are
totally fake, based on cursory internet searches, and should be taken with a large grain of salt.
<center><small>[[Works Referenced (not mobile-friendly)|Works Referenced Actual]]
[[Back to Start|Intro]]</small></center>Twitter is lighting up with liberals
praising your good deeds with the hashtag #BezosIsBae. Leftists still hate you.
<strike>Pay off student loan debt (-$1.5 trillion)</strike>
<<if ($puertorico eq 0) and ($Money gte 139000000000)>>[[Repair Puerto Rico (-$139
billion)|Puerto Rico 3]]<<else>><strike>Repair Puerto Rico (-$139
billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($borderwall eq 0) and ($Money gte 70000000000)>>[[Pay for the Border Wall and then not
build it (-$70 billion)|Border wall 3]]<<else>><strike>Pay for the Border Wall and
then not build it (-$70 billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($personaltaxes eq 0) and ($Money gte 57720000000)>>[[Pay personal taxes (-$57.72
billion)|Personal taxes 3]]<<else>><strike>Pay personal taxes (-$57.72
billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($teachers eq 0) and ($Money gte 22400000000)>>[[Hire 100,000 new teachers for four
years each (-$22.4 billion)|Teachers 3]]<<else>><strike>Hire 100,000 new teachers for
four years each (-$22.4 billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($homelessness eq 0) and ($Money gte 20000000000)>>[[End homelessness in the United
States (-$20 billion)|End homelessness 3]]<<else>><strike>End homelessness in the
United States (-$20 billion)</strike><<endif>>
[[What else?|Spend new menu]]Mark Zuckerberg unfriends you. An architect of the Iraq War is
penning an op-ed in a newspaper you do not control, explaining why your actions are consistent with
neoliberalism and there is no cause for alarm.
Peter Thiel knocks tentatively at your door, asking if there isn't something you'd like to maybe
get a coffee and talk about. You ignore him.
<strike>Pay off student loan debt (-$1.5 trillion)</strike>
<<if ($puertorico eq 0) and ($Money gte 139000000000)>>[[Repair Puerto Rico (-$139
billion)|Puerto Rico 4]]<<else>><strike>Repair Puerto Rico (-$139
billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($borderwall eq 0) and ($Money gte 70000000000)>>[[Pay for the Border Wall and then not
build it (-$70 billion)|Border wall 4]]<<else>><strike>Pay for the Border Wall and
then not build it (-$70 billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($personaltaxes eq 0) and ($Money gte 57720000000)>>[[Pay personal taxes (-$57.72
billion)|Personal taxes 4]]<<else>><strike>Pay personal taxes (-$57.72
billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($teachers eq 0) and ($Money gte 22400000000)>>[[Hire 100,000 new teachers for four
years each (-$22.4 billion)|Teachers 4]]<<else>><strike>Hire 100,000 new teachers for
four years each (-$22.4 billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($homelessness eq 0) and ($Money gte 20000000000)>>[[End homelessness in the United
States (-$20 billion)|End homelessness 4]]<<else>><strike>End homelessness in the
United States (-$20 billion)</strike><<endif>>
[[What else?|Spend new menu]]Good job decimating a rich man's wealth so far, by the way.
You've gone from $156,000,000,000 to a mere $<<print window.formatNumber($Money)>> in a
few clicks of a button. If only you could manufacture guillotines this easily.
<<if ($nasa eq 0) and ($Money gte 20000000000)>>[[Fund NASA for a year (-$20 billion)|NASA
1]]<<else>><strike>Fund NASA for a year (-$20
billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($amazonsalaries eq 0) and ($Money gte 15800000000)>>[[Double every Amazon
employee's salary (-$15.8 billion)|Amazon salaries 1]]<<else>><strike>Double every
Amazon employee's salary (-$15.8 billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($artists eq 0) and ($Money gte 2000000000)>>[[Support 10,000 artists in residence for
four years each (-$2 billion)|Artists 1]]<<else>><strike>Support 10,000 artists in
residence for four years each (-$2 billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if $Money gte 380000000>>[[Abolish the electoral college (-$380 million)|Electoral college
1]]<<else>><strike>Abolish the electoral college (-$380
million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($EUtaxes eq 0) and ($Money gte 293000000)>>[[Pay back taxes to the EU (-$293
million)|EU taxes 1]]<<else>><strike>Pay back taxes to the EU (-$293
million)</strike><<endif>><<set $Money to $Money -
60000000>><<set $mythbusters = 1>>This isn't necessarily a good use of Jeff
Bezos' money, but you really liked the older seasons of Mythbusters that were basically
"Jackass for Nerds," the golden era of Adam Savage burning off his eyebrows and sticking his
mouth into vacuum motors.
You reboot the series for a limited one-season run with the original cast, to air commercial-free and
subscription-free on a bespoke online streaming service. The show tests all the myths that were
originally vetoed because of corporate meddling, like RFIDs in credit cards and hunting ducks with
pumpkins.
Anything left over from the $60 million budget will go toward reproducing that one time the Mythbusters
blew up a cement truck with dynamite, now properly captured on a high-speed camera.
[[Science!|Spend phase three 3]]Fox News goes unexpectedly off-air, citing "existential
difficulties."
<em>TIME</em> names you its Person of the Year. You decline that fairweather bullshit.
<<if ($nasa eq 0) and ($Money gte 20000000000)>>[[Fund NASA for a year (-$20 billion)|NASA
2]]<<else>><strike>Fund NASA for a year (-$20
billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($amazonsalaries eq 0) and ($Money gte 15800000000)>>[[Double every Amazon
employee's salary (-$15.8 billion)|Amazon salaries 2]]<<else>><strike>Double every
Amazon employee's salary (-$15.8 billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($artists eq 0) and ($Money gte 2000000000)>>[[Support 10,000 artists in residence for
four years each (-$2 billion)|Artists 2]]<<else>><strike>Support 10,000 artists in
residence for four years each (-$2 billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($electoralcollege eq 0) and ($Money gte 380000000)>>[[Abolish the electoral college
(-$380 million)|Electoral college 2]]<<else>><strike>Abolish the electoral college
(-$380 million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($EUtaxes eq 0) and ($Money gte 293000000)>>[[Pay back taxes to the EU (-$293
million)|EU taxes 2]]<<else>><strike>Pay back taxes to the EU (-$293
million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if $Money lte 1000000000>>[[Do you hear something?|Spend phase
three]]<<endif>>The squatter in the White House goes on an unhinged Twitter rant,
branding you a communist Democrat fascist with small genitals who is ruining the economy. He calls for
your execution.
<<if ($twitter eq 0) and ($Money gte 50000000000)>>[[Buy Twitter and delete his account
(-$50 billion)|Buy Twitter]]<<else>><strike>Buy Twitter and delete his account (-$50
billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($nasa eq 0) and ($Money gte 20000000000)>>[[Fund NASA for a year (-$20 billion)|NASA
3]]<<else>><strike>Fund NASA for a year (-$20
billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($amazonsalaries eq 0) and ($Money gte 15800000000)>>[[Double every Amazon
employee's salary (-$15.8 billion)|Amazon salaries 3]]<<else>><strike>Double every
Amazon employee's salary (-$15.8 billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($artists eq 0) and ($Money gte 2000000000)>>[[Support 10,000 artists in residence for
four years each (-$2 billion)|Artists 3]]<<else>><strike>Support 10,000 artists in
residence for four years each (-$2 billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($electoralcollege eq 0) and ($Money gte 380000000)>>[[Abolish the electoral college
(-$380 million)|Electoral college 3]]<<else>><strike>Abolish the electoral college
(-$380 million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($EUtaxes eq 0) and ($Money gte 293000000)>>[[Pay back taxes to the EU (-$293
million)|EU taxes 3]]<<else>><strike>Pay back taxes to the EU (-$293
million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if $Money lte 1000000000>>[[Do you hear something?|Spend phase
three]]<<endif>><<set $Money to $Money - 50000000000>><<set
$twitter = 1>>You buy Twitter for $50 billion -- way more than it's actually worth, but
you'd rather get the acquisition over with quickly.
After you ban the circus peanut in the White House, you also get rid of Jack and all the Nazis.
[[Good riddance.|Spend new menu 4]]Bill and Melinda Gates send a kind yet concerned greeting
card, asking if perhaps you would like a little advice on How To Spend Money On Poors But In A Moderate
Way. You burn it.
<<if ($nasa eq 0) and ($Money gte 20000000000)>>[[Fund NASA for a year (-$20 billion)|NASA
4]]<<else>><strike>Fund NASA for a year (-$20
billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($amazonsalaries eq 0) and ($Money gte 15800000000)>>[[Double every Amazon
employee's salary (-$15.8 billion)|Amazon salaries 4]]<<else>><strike>Double every
Amazon employee's salary (-$15.8 billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($artists eq 0) and ($Money gte 2000000000)>>[[Support 10,000 artists in residence for
four years each (-$2 billion)|Artists 4]]<<else>><strike>Support 10,000 artists in
residence for four years each (-$2 billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($electoralcollege eq 0) and ($Money gte 380000000)>>[[Abolish the electoral college
(-$380 million)|Electoral college 4]]<<else>><strike>Abolish the electoral college
(-$380 million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($EUtaxes eq 0) and ($Money gte 293000000)>>[[Pay back taxes to the EU (-$293
million)|EU taxes 4]]<<else>><strike>Pay back taxes to the EU (-$293
million)</strike><<endif>>
[[Do you hear something?|Spend phase three]]Ah, finally. Assassins have showed
up.
<<if $Money gte 500000000>>[[Double the assassins' fee to pay them to assassinate their
clients instead (-$500 million)|Assassins]]<<else>>[[Dispatch them quietly with
robots|Assassins alt]]<<endif>>
<<if ($nasa eq 0) and ($Money gte 20000000000)>>[[Fund NASA for a year (-$20 billion)|NASA
5]]<<else>><strike>Fund NASA for a year (-$20
billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($amazonsalaries eq 0) and ($Money gte 15800000000)>>[[Double every Amazon
employee's salary (-$15.8 billion)|Amazon salaries 5]]<<else>><strike>Double every
Amazon employee's salary (-$15.8 billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($artists eq 0) and ($Money gte 2000000000)>>[[Support 10,000 artists in residence for
four years each (-$2 billion)|Artists 5]]<<else>><strike>Support 10,000 artists in
residence for four years each (-$2 billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($electoralcollege eq 0) and ($Money gte 380000000)>>[[Abolish the electoral college
(-$380 million)|Electoral college 5]]<<else>><strike>Abolish the electoral college
(-$380 million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($EUtaxes eq 0) and ($Money gte 293000000)>>[[Pay back taxes to the EU (-$293
million)|EU taxes 5]]<<else>><strike>Pay back taxes to the EU (-$293
million)</strike><<endif>>
[[Do you hear something?|Spend phase three]]<<set $Money to $Money - 500000000>><<set
$assassins = 1>>$500 million to counter-assassinate some people is probably budgeting a little
high. Assassinations are cheaper than you'd think.
You spend the leftover funds pushing through progressive gun control legislation. You know what's
even cheaper to buy than assassins? Politicians.
[[If only some rich person with a good moral compass would buy out Congre-- hey, wait.|Spend phase
three]]A loud crack fills the room, as finally your frantic family members and several
bodyguards manage to break down the door to your bedroom. A few of your burlier relatives pin you down
and take away your laptop.
"Please, Uncle Bezos," begs a doe-eyed child who is probably actually not your nibling,
crumbly Ghibli tears falling down their cheeks as you are tied to a chair. "You've left us with
a mere <<print window.formatNumber($Money)>> dollars. Mother says we'll be ever so
dest-it-tute if you do not cease your wretched spending."
Do Jeff Bezos' extended family speak like Dickens characters? They do here. What do you say to the
child?
[[Sit them down and patiently explain why being a billionaire is immoral.|Didactic]]
[[Show them Twitter. They'll end up just as socialist and it'll take less effort on your
end.|Bad parenting]]<<set $Money to $Money - 70000000000>><<set
$borderwall = 1>>You pay for the US-Mexico Border Wall. High end estimates place construction
costs at $70 billion, so you just cut the check for that.
After the deal is done, you send all the workers on paid holiday and donate construction materials to
actually worthy projects around the country. Any leftover funds are put toward dismantling ICE.
[[nICE.|Spend round 4]] <<set $Money to $Money + 10428660>>With your arms tied
behind your back, you are left gesturing with your head, asking the sniffling, snot-nosed cherub to take
a seat on your knee.
They do. And while your family and hired strong men rifle through your belongings, trying to find a way
to undo your recent financial transactions, you launch into your best, most heartfelt, age-appropriate
lecture on ethics. It is light on theory and heavy on comparisons, but you manage to get across that in
a world of such wealth as ours, for a select few to hold onto the vast majority of that wealth --
whether they "earned" it or not -- while others starve is neglecting our moral duty to one
another.
The child listens quietly and frowns.
"Look," you say finally, "just watch <em>The Good Place</em>."
Well, that sure took a while to reach a pretty basic media recommendation. And unfortunately, in the
meantime you've earned $10,428,660. Maybe it would've been better to leave the childrearing to
social media.
[[Enough of this. Time to spend more of Jeff Bezos' fucking money.|Spend phase three
2]]You'd love to show the child Twitter on your own, but tied up as you are, you're
left with pointing toward the nearest unattended phone with your big toe.
You give your young relative a list of accounts to follow. Within 30 minutes, they are an expert on both
the Communist Manifesto and pro-wrestling.
[[My work here is done. Back to spending Jeff Bezos' money.|Spend phase three
2]]You flex your shiny biceps as hard as you can. The ropes binding you to the chair
literally burst into so many shreds of hemp.
You stand, using a leg of the chair to beat back several bodyguards and distraught adult heirs. When you
see a path open, you take it, fleeing into the city streets armed only with your bathrobe, a phone, and
a small laptop.
After escaping onto the subway, you spare a quick glance at your bank balance and find it still too
large for your tastes.
<<if ($animals eq 0) and ($Money gte 200000000)>>[[Fund 10 animal rescues for four years
(-$200 million)|Animal rescue 1]]<<else>><strike>Fund 10 animal rescues for four years
(-$200 million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($library eq 0) and ($Money gte 150000000)>>[[Build 10 new public libraries (-$150
million)|Library 1]]<<else>><strike>Build 10 new public libraries (-$150
million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($vidya eq 0) and ($Money gte 100000000)>>[[Finance 100 indie games (-$100
million)|Vidya 1]]<<else>><strike>Finance 100 indie games (-$100
million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($mythbusters eq 0) and ($Money gte 60000000)>>[[Reboot Mythbusters (-$60
million)|Mythbusters 1]]<<else>><strike>Reboot Mythbusters (-$60
million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($buddies eq 0) and ($Money gte 57600000)>>[[Pay off 1,000 graduate students' loans
(-$57.6 million)|Buddies student loans 1]]<<else>><strike>Pay off 1,000 graduate
students' loans (-$57.6 million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($flint eq 0) and ($Money gte 55000000)>>[[Fix the Flint Water Crisis (-$55
million)|Flint 1]]<<else>><strike>Fix the Flint Water Crisis (-$55
million)</strike><<endif>><<set $Money to $Money -
303200>>You hole up in a dimly-lit cafe, where no one will question why Jeff Bezos is here in his
bathrobe working on a laptop. To help ensure their silence, you pay the college educations of the three
baristas on duty (-$303,000). You also tip well, because labor should be adequately compensated
regardless of whether a service worker goes the extra mile for you (-$200).
<<if ($animals eq 0) and ($Money gte 200000000)>>[[Fund 10 animal rescues for four years
(-$200 million)|Animal rescue 2]]<<else>><strike>Fund 10 animal rescues for four years
(-$200 million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($library eq 0) and ($Money gte 150000000)>>[[Build 10 new public libraries (-$150
million)|Library 2]]<<else>><strike>Build 10 new public libraries (-$150
million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($vidya eq 0) and ($Money gte 100000000)>>[[Finance 100 indie games (-$100
million)|Vidya 2]]<<else>><strike>Finance 100 indie games (-$100
million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($mythbusters eq 0) and ($Money gte 60000000)>>[[Reboot Mythbusters (-$60
million)|Mythbusters 2]]<<else>><strike>Reboot Mythbusters (-$60
million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($buddies eq 0) and ($Money gte 57600000)>>[[Pay off 1,000 graduate students' loans
(-$57.6 million)|Buddies student loans 2]]<<else>><strike>Pay off 1,000 graduate
students' loans (-$57.6 million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($flint eq 0) and ($Money gte 55000000)>>[[Fix the Flint Water Crisis (-$55
million)|Flint 2]]<<else>><strike>Fix the Flint Water Crisis (-$55
million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if $Money lte 55000000>>[[Go to the bathroom|Coffee
bathroom]]<<endif>>A barista with a lip ring and an Imperator Furiosa tattoo
brings you a second coffee. They tell you that what you're doing now doesn't make up for the
years you, Jeff Bezos, have spent exploiting your workers and destroying rival businesses.
You agree wholeheartedly, since it's not like they'll believe you if you explain you're just
a rando stuck in Jeff Bezos' gross plastinated body.
<<if ($animals eq 0) and ($Money gte 200000000)>>[[Fund 10 animal rescues for four years
(-$200 million)|Animal rescue 3]]<<else>><strike>Fund 10 animal rescues for four years
(-$200 million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($library eq 0) and ($Money gte 150000000)>>[[Build 10 new public libraries (-$150
million)|Library 3]]<<else>><strike>Build 10 new public libraries (-$150
million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($vidya eq 0) and ($Money gte 100000000)>>[[Finance 100 indie games (-$100
million)|Vidya 3]]<<else>><strike>Finance 100 indie games (-$100
million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($mythbusters eq 0) and ($Money gte 60000000)>>[[Reboot Mythbusters (-$60
million)|Mythbusters 3]]<<else>><strike>Reboot Mythbusters (-$60
million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($buddies eq 0) and ($Money gte 57600000)>>[[Pay off 1,000 graduate students' loans
(-$57.6 million)|Buddies student loans 3]]<<else>><strike>Pay off 1,000 graduate
students' loans (-$57.6 million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($flint eq 0) and ($Money gte 55000000)>>[[Fix the Flint Water Crisis (-$55
million)|Flint 3]]<<else>><strike>Fix the Flint Water Crisis (-$55
million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if $Money lte 55000000>>[[Go to the bathroom|Coffee bathroom
3]]<<endif>>Sirens outside. You've learned from the TV that there is a
warrant out for your arrest. For suspicion of fraud, which under the circumstances seems hilarious.
Your barista allies shutter the blinds to the already darkened coffee shop. They decide to switch off
the news and put on anime instead.
<<if $Money gte 3000000>>[[Ooh, that reminds you. Let's bankroll a second season of
Monthly Girls' Nozaki-kun (-$3 million)|Anime]]<<else>><strike>Ooh, that reminds
you. Let's bankroll a second season of Monthly Girls' Nozaki-kun (-$3
million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($animals eq 0) and ($Money gte 200000000)>>[[Fund 10 animal rescues for four years
(-$200 million)|Animal rescue 4]]<<else>><strike>Fund 10 animal rescues for four years
(-$200 million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($library eq 0) and ($Money gte 150000000)>>[[Build 10 new public libraries (-$150
million)|Library 4]]<<else>><strike>Build 10 new public libraries (-$150
million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($vidya eq 0) and ($Money gte 100000000)>>[[Finance 100 indie games (-$100
million)|Vidya 4]]<<else>><strike>Finance 100 indie games (-$100
million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($mythbusters eq 0) and ($Money gte 60000000)>>[[Reboot Mythbusters (-$60
million)|Mythbusters 4]]<<else>><strike>Reboot Mythbusters (-$60
million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($buddies eq 0) and ($Money gte 57600000)>>[[Pay off 1,000 graduate students' loans
(-$57.6 million)|Buddies student loans 4]]<<else>><strike>Pay off 1,000 graduate
students' loans (-$57.6 million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($flint eq 0) and ($Money gte 55000000)>>[[Fix the Flint Water Crisis (-$55
million)|Flint 4]]<<else>><strike>Fix the Flint Water Crisis (-$55
million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if $Money lte 55000000>>[[Go to the bathroom|Coffee bathroom
5]]<<endif>><<set $Money to $Money - 3000000>><<set $anime =
1>>Fans around the world rejoice!
$3 million is a little high for one anime cour, but also Japanese animators are criminally overworked
and underpaid, so you see that the remainder goes toward their salaries.
[[よし.|Spend phase three 6]]One of the baristas has given you away. It was an accident: they
forgot they left location data on while tweeting on the #BezosIsBae hashtag. Before you know it, you
have the entire local police force at the cafe's front door.
You scan your list for something quick to spend some of Jeff Bezos' money on while the baristas
arrange for your escape through the back.
<<if ($animals eq 0) and ($Money gte 200000000)>>[[Fund 10 animal rescues for four years
(-$200 million)|Animal rescue 5]]<<else>><strike>Fund 10 animal rescues for four years
(-$200 million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($library eq 0) and ($Money gte 150000000)>>[[Build 10 new public libraries (-$150
million)|Library 5]]<<else>><strike>Build 10 new public libraries (-$150
million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($vidya eq 0) and ($Money gte 100000000)>>[[Finance 100 indie games (-$100
million)|Vidya 5]]<<else>><strike>Finance 100 indie games (-$100
million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($mythbusters eq 0) and ($Money gte 60000000)>>[[Reboot Mythbusters (-$60
million)|Mythbusters 5]]<<else>><strike>Reboot Mythbusters (-$60
million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($buddies eq 0) and ($Money gte 57600000)>>[[Pay off 1,000 graduate students' loans
(-$57.6 million)|Buddies student loans 5]]<<else>><strike>Pay off 1,000 graduate
students' loans (-$57.6 million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($flint eq 0) and ($Money gte 55000000)>>[[Fix the Flint Water Crisis (-$55
million)|Flint 5]]<<else>><strike>Fix the Flint Water Crisis (-$55
million)</strike><<endif>>
[[There's no time!|Spend phase four]]You and your barista accomplices race
through the city's back streets, cannily avoiding police blockades and Amazon Locker locations.
Twice you are nearly cut down by weaponized delivery drones, but you manage to dive out of their firing
range just in time. The drones record you as KIA in their online tracking system anyway, thus buying you
a precious few minutes.
Huddled behind a dumpster, you find the barista with the lip ring has sustained a deep cut to their arm.
[[Use your cleanest $100 bills to dress the wound (-$1000)|Dress wound]]
[[Promise to pay the barista's hospital bill if it gets infected|Insult
barista]]<<set $Money to $Money - 150000000>><<set $library = 1>>The cost
of a new public library can vary, but $15 million gets you a relatively fancy one. So obviously $150
million gets you 10 fancy ones!
Any remainder ought to go toward maintaining the libraries, since you built them and all.
[[Books are good.|Spend phase three 3]]<<set $Money to $Money - 100000000>><<set $vidya =
1>>Let's be real, there are two kinds of independent games: the ones made by former AAA devs
which often run into the millions and usually require outside investment, and stuff like this built in
Twine. So postulating that you can fund 100 indie games for $1 million each is some wild-ass math.
But let's say you fund, oh, 10 of those bigger games by industry veterans, and use the rest to
support 200 small indies. Or maybe you don't fund any Kickstarter games and instead donate every
last cent to your favorite avant-garde glitch grrl. Whatever you want, babe. It's your (Jeff
Bezos') money.
[[Take THAT, indiepocalypse.|Spend phase three 3]]<<set $Money to $Money -
380000000>><<set $electoralcollege = 1>>Strictly speaking, the only thing necessary to
abolish the United States' Electoral College is the vote and ratification of 3/4 of the union, or 38
states. And politicians? Are very cheap to purchase.
An average Senate seat costs $10 million, but you can win over sitting senators for less than that. The
House is a trickier proposition thanks to sheer numbers, but all you <em>really</em> need to
do to make the whole thing work is convince Republicans that abolishing a slavery-era system and
transitioning to a popular vote for major elections would totally own the libs.
[[Sorry not sorry, Hamilton.|Spend new menu 2]]<<set $Money to $Money -
200000000>><<set $animals = 1>>For $5 million a year each, these aren't your
run-of-the-mill animal shelters. These are full-featured rescues, focused on providing for abused former
circus animals and "exotic pets."
You know those videos testing whether tigers will sit in boxes and get high off catnip? That's the
kind of rescue you're funding.
<<if $Money eq 0>>[[Let the good times roll.|Early win]]<<else>>[[Let the good
times roll.|Spend phase three 3]]<<endif>><<set $Money to $Money -
139000000000>><<set $puertorico = 1>>You repair every ounce of damage Hurricane Maria
has done to Puerto Rico. It will still take some time to enact repairs, and nothing can be done to bring
back the thousands of lives lost due to federal negligence, but the island is at last on its way to real
recovery.
At $139 billion, this action represents roughly the limit of your personal wealth. So good thinking
getting this one out of the way first. There are still some smaller things you can take care of, though.
[[Great. Let's see them.|Spend round 2]]<<set $Money to $Money -
70000000000>><<set $borderwall = 1>>You pay for the US-Mexico Border Wall. High end
estimates place construction costs at $70 billion, so you just cut the check for that.
After the deal is done, you send all the workers on paid holiday and donate construction materials to
actually worthy projects around the country. Any leftover funds are put toward dismantling ICE.
[[nICE.|Spend round 2]] <<set $Money to $Money - 57720000000>><<set
$personaltaxes = 1>>Here's where we get into the dicey business of what "personal
worth" is, and how that translates to taxable income.
Answer: It usually doesn't, because rich people are master frauds and charlatans who exploit
loopholes in tax code to avoid paying their fair share.
Jeff Bezos is worth $156 billion? You're using the top tax bracket of 37% and paying out $57.72
billion of that. You'd pay 99%, but then this would be a very short simulator.
[[Hooray for simple math.|Spend round 2]]<<set $Money to $Money - 22400000000>><<set
$teachers = 1>>You hire 100,000 new teachers for a median salary of $58,000, covering their salary
for the first four years of their hire. This comes in at around $22.4 billion for you, or about a third
of the annual US education budget.
In an interview, Betsy Devos praises your actions as the free market in action. In response, you lure
her off to a remote area in the upper midwest, promising to show her a designer mansion with five
different styles of windows. When she gets there, all she finds is an abandoned shack without plumbing
and a distinct lack of yachts.
[[A++|Spend round 2]]<<set $Money to $Money - 20000000000>><<set
$homelessness = 1>>You eliminate homelessness in the United States. Every person living in the US
now has the guarantee of a roof over their head.
This costs you $20 billion, or a trivial 12.8% of your starting net worth. You still have $<<print
window.formatNumber($Money)>>.
[[I'll soon change that.|Spend round 2]]<<set $Money to $Money -
70000000000>><<set $borderwall = 1>>You pay for the US-Mexico Border Wall. High end
estimates place construction costs at $70 billion, so you just cut the check for that.
After the deal is done, you send all the workers on paid holiday and donate construction materials to
actually worthy projects around the country. Any leftover funds are put toward dismantling ICE.
[[nICE.|Spend round 3]] <<set $Money to $Money - 57720000000>><<set
$personaltaxes = 1>>Here's where we get into the dicey business of what "personal
worth" is, and how that translates to taxable income.
Answer: It usually doesn't, because rich people are master frauds and charlatans who exploit
loopholes in tax code to avoid paying their fair share.
Jeff Bezos is worth $156 billion? You're using the top tax bracket of 37% and paying out $57.72
billion of that. You'd pay 99%, but then this would be a very short simulator.
[[Hooray for simple math.|Spend round 3]]<<set $Money to $Money - 22400000000>><<set
$teachers = 1>>You hire 100,000 new teachers for a median salary of $58,000, covering their salary
for the first four years of their hire. This comes in at around $22.4 billion for you, or about a third
of the annual US education budget.
In an interview, Betsy Devos praises your actions as the free market in action. In response, you lure
her off to a remote area in the upper midwest, promising to show her a designer mansion with five
different styles of windows. When she gets there, all she finds is an abandoned shack without plumbing
and a distinct lack of yachts.
[[A++|Spend round 3]]<<set $Money to $Money - 20000000000>><<set
$homelessness = 1>>You eliminate homelessness in the United States. Every person living in the US
now has the guarantee of a roof over their head.
This costs you $20 billion, or a trivial 12.8% of your starting net worth. You still have $<<print
window.formatNumber($Money)>>.
[[I'll soon change that.|Spend round 3]]<<set $Money to $Money -
139000000000>><<set $puertorico = 1>>You repair every ounce of damage Hurricane Maria
has done to Puerto Rico. It will still take some time to enact repairs, and nothing can be done to bring
back the thousands of lives lost due to federal negligence, but the island is at last on its way to real
recovery.
At $139 billion, this action represents roughly the limit of your personal wealth. So good thinking
getting this one out of the way early. There are still some smaller things you can take care of, though.
[[Great. Let's see them.|Spend round 3]]<<set $Money to $Money -
57720000000>><<set $personaltaxes = 1>>Here's where we get into the dicey business
of what "personal worth" is, and how that translates to taxable income.
Answer: It usually doesn't, because rich people are master frauds and charlatans who exploit
loopholes in tax code to avoid paying their fair share.
Jeff Bezos is worth $156 billion? You're using the top tax bracket of 37% and paying out $57.72
billion of that. You'd pay 99%, but then this would be a very short simulator.
[[Hooray for simple math.|Spend round 4]]<<set $Money to $Money - 22400000000>><<set
$teachers = 1>>You hire 100,000 new teachers for a median salary of $58,000, covering their salary
for the first four years of their hire. This comes in at around $22.4 billion for you, or about a third
of the annual US education budget.
In an interview, Betsy Devos praises your actions as the free market in action. In response, you lure
her off to a remote area in the upper midwest, promising to show her a designer mansion with five
different styles of windows. When she gets there, all she finds is an abandoned shack without plumbing
and a distinct lack of yachts.
[[A++|Spend round 4]]<<set $Money to $Money - 139000000000>><<set
$puertorico = 1>>You repair every ounce of damage Hurricane Maria has done to Puerto Rico. It will
still take some time to enact repairs, and nothing can be done to bring back the thousands of lives lost
due to federal negligence, but the island is at last on its way to real recovery.
At $139 billion, this action represents roughly the limit of your personal wealth. So good thinking
getting this one out of the way early. There are still some smaller things you can take care of, though.
[[Great. Let's see them.|Spend round 4]]<<set $Money to $Money -
20000000000>><<set $homelessness = 1>>You eliminate homelessness in the United States.
Every person living in the US now has the guarantee of a roof over their head.
This costs you $20 billion, or a trivial 12.8% of your starting net worth. You still have $<<print
window.formatNumber($Money)>>.
[[I'll soon change that.|Spend round 4]]<<set $Money to $Money -
70000000000>><<set $borderwall = 1>>You pay for the US-Mexico Border Wall. High end
estimates place construction costs at $70 billion, so you just cut the check for that.
After the deal is done, you send all the workers on paid holiday and donate construction materials to
actually worthy projects around the country. Any leftover funds are put toward dismantling ICE.
[[nICE.|Spend new menu]] <<set $Money to $Money - 57720000000>><<set
$personaltaxes = 1>>Here's where we get into the dicey business of what "personal
worth" is, and how that translates to taxable income.
Answer: It usually doesn't, because rich people are master frauds and charlatans who exploit
loopholes in tax code to avoid paying their fair share.
Jeff Bezos is worth $156 billion? You're using the top tax bracket of 37% and paying out $57.72
billion of that. You'd pay 99%, but then this would be a very short simulator.
[[Hooray for simple math.|Spend new menu]]<<set $Money to $Money - 22400000000>><<set
$teachers = 1>>You hire 100,000 new teachers for a median salary of $58,000, covering their salary
for the first four years of their hire. This comes in at around $22.4 billion for you, or about a third
of the annual US education budget.
In an interview, Betsy Devos praises your actions as the free market in action. In response, you lure
her off to a remote area in the upper midwest, promising to show her a designer mansion with five
different styles of windows. When she gets there, all she finds is an abandoned shack without plumbing
and a distinct lack of yachts.
[[A++|Spend new menu]]<<set $Money to $Money - 20000000000>><<set
$homelessness = 1>>You eliminate homelessness in the United States. Every person living in the US
now has the guarantee of a roof over their head.
This costs you $20 billion, or a trivial 12.8% of your starting net worth. You still have $<<print
window.formatNumber($Money)>>.
[[I'll soon change that.|Spend new menu]]<<set $Money to $Money -
139000000000>><<set $puertorico = 1>>You repair every ounce of damage Hurricane Maria
has done to Puerto Rico. It will still take some time to enact repairs, and nothing can be done to bring
back the thousands of lives lost due to federal negligence, but the island is at last on its way to real
recovery.
At $139 billion, this action represents roughly the limit of your personal wealth. So good thinking
getting this one out of the way early. There are still some smaller things you can take care of, though.
[[Great. Let's see them.|Spend new menu]]<<set $Money to $Money - 20000000000>><<set
$nasa = 1>>Rather than squander your money on private space flight vanities, you put a solid $20
billion toward public astronautics, equal to NASA's annual budget.
Mitch McConnell calls you, thanking you for saving Congress the trouble of paying for "that society
of eggheads" for a year. You make very clear that the $20 billion is in
<em>addition</em> to its federal allotment, and any attempt on Congress's end to slash
the budget next year will mean all Congresspeople are banned forever from your private space cruises.
This is a lie, of course. You've already dismantled your private space agency, and once Grimes
convinces Elon it's the 420blazeit millennial thing to do, he'll follow suit as well.
[[Boldly going forward because we can't find reverse.|Spend new menu
2]]<<set $Money to $Money - 15800000000>><<set $amazonsalaries =
1>>You double the median Amazon worker's salary from poverty-level $28,000/yr to $56,000/yr,
much closer to the U.S. average. Your employees are able to lead lives with slightly more dignity.
While you're at it, you implement progressive policies getting rid of timed bathroom breaks and
those hilariously anti-union videos you've been forcing your employees to watch. The cost of this to
you is so negligible I'm not even going to model it.
[[Cool. What next?|Spend new menu 2]]<<set $Money to $Money - 2000000000>><<set $artists
= 1>>You spend $2 billion funding 10,000 artists-in-residence at various museums, universities,
and conservatories around the country. Each artist receives $50,000 a year for up to four years,
allowing them to pursue creative endeavors unfettered by the oppressive shackles of capitalism.
Your lawyers beg you to force the artists to wear a "sponsored by Amazon" badge on their
shirts for every day of their residencies. It's the least the artists can do, they argue, in
exchange for your generosity.
You fire these lawyers and use their retainer fees to fund a few more artists.
[[Nice.|Spend new menu 2]]<<set $Money to $Money - 293000000>><<set $EUtaxes
= 1>>You pay Amazon's back taxes to the European Union, a trivial $293,000,000 (or
€263,677,000).
That's enough to host Eurovision eight times.
[[Can't beat Lordi. OK, what next?|Spend new menu 2]]<<set $Money to $Money -
20000000000>><<set $nasa = 1>>Rather than squander your money on private space flight
vanities, you put a solid $20 billion toward public astronautics, equal to NASA's annual budget.
Mitch McConnell calls you, thanking you for saving Congress the trouble of paying for "that society
of eggheads" for a year. You make very clear that the $20 billion is in
<em>addition</em> to its federal allotment, and any attempt on Congress's end to slash
the budget next year will mean all Congresspeople are banned forever from your private space cruises.
This is a lie, of course. You've already dismantled your private space agency, and once Grimes
convinces Elon it's the 420blazeit millennial thing to do, he'll follow suit as well.
[[Boldly going forward because we can't find reverse.|Spend new menu
3]]<<set $Money to $Money - 15800000000>><<set $amazonsalaries =
1>>You double the median Amazon worker's salary from poverty-level $28,000/yr to $56,000/yr,
much closer to the U.S. average. Your employees are able to lead lives with slightly more dignity.
While you're at it, you implement progressive policies getting rid of timed bathroom breaks and
those hilariously anti-union videos you've been forcing your employees to watch. The cost of this to
you is so negligible I'm not even going to model it.
[[Cool. What next?|Spend new menu 3]]<<set $Money to $Money - 2000000000>><<set $artists
= 1>>You spend $2 billion funding 10,000 artists-in-residence at various museums, universities,
and conservatories around the country. Each artist receives $50,000 a year for up to four years,
allowing them to pursue creative endeavors unfettered by the oppressive shackles of capitalism.
Your lawyers beg you to force the artists to wear a "sponsored by Amazon" badge on their
shirts for every day of their residencies. It's the least the artists can do, they argue, in
exchange for your generosity.
You fire these lawyers and use their retainer fees to fund a few more artists.
[[Nice.|Spend new menu 3]]<<set $Money to $Money - 380000000>><<set
$electoralcollege = 1>>Strictly speaking, the only thing necessary to abolish the United
States' Electoral College is the vote and ratification of 3/4 of the union, or 38 states. And
politicians? Are very cheap to purchase.
An average Senate seat costs $10 million, but you can win over sitting senators for less than that. The
House is a trickier proposition thanks to sheer numbers, but all you <em>really</em> need to
do to make the whole thing work is convince Republicans that abolishing a slavery-era system and
transitioning to a popular vote for major elections would totally own the libs.
[[Sorry not sorry, Hamilton.|Spend new menu 3]]<<set $Money to $Money -
293000000>><<set $EUtaxes = 1>>You pay Amazon's back taxes to the European Union,
a trivial $293,000,000 (or €263,677,000).
That's enough to host Eurovision eight times.
[[Can't beat Lordi. OK, what next?|Spend new menu 3]]<<set $Money to $Money -
20000000000>><<set $nasa = 1>>Rather than squander your money on private space flight
vanities, you put a solid $20 billion toward public astronautics, equal to NASA's annual budget.
Mitch McConnell calls you, thanking you for saving Congress the trouble of paying for "that society
of eggheads" for a year. You make very clear that the $20 billion is in
<em>addition</em> to its federal allotment, and any attempt on Congress's end to slash
the budget next year will mean all Congresspeople are banned forever from your private space cruises.
This is a lie, of course. You've already dismantled your private space agency, and once Grimes
convinces Elon it's the 420blazeit millennial thing to do, he'll follow suit as well.
[[Boldly going forward because we can't find reverse.|Spend new menu
4]]<<set $Money to $Money - 15800000000>><<set $amazonsalaries =
1>>You double the median Amazon worker's salary from poverty-level $28,000/yr to $56,000/yr,
much closer to the U.S. average. Your employees are able to lead lives with slightly more dignity.
While you're at it, you implement progressive policies getting rid of timed bathroom breaks and
those hilariously anti-union videos you've been forcing your employees to watch. The cost of this to
you is so negligible I'm not even going to model it.
[[Cool. What next?|Spend new menu 4]]<<set $Money to $Money - 2000000000>><<set
$artists = 1>>You spend $2 billion funding 10,000 artists-in-residence at various museums,
universities, and conservatories around the country. Each artist receives $50,000 a year for up to four
years, allowing them to pursue creative endeavors unfettered by the oppressive shackles of capitalism.
Your lawyers beg you to force the artists to wear a "sponsored by Amazon" badge on their
shirts for every day of their residencies. It's the least the artists can do, they argue, in
exchange for your generosity.
You fire these lawyers and use their retainer fees to fund a few more artists.
[[Nice.|Spend new menu 4]]<<set $Money to $Money - 380000000>><<set
$electoralcollege = 1>>Strictly speaking, the only thing necessary to abolish the United
States' Electoral College is the vote and ratification of 3/4 of the union, or 38 states. And
politicians? Are very cheap to purchase.
An average Senate seat costs $10 million, but you can win over sitting senators for less than that. The
House is a trickier proposition thanks to sheer numbers, but all you <em>really</em> need to
do to make the whole thing work is convince Republicans that abolishing a slavery-era system and
transitioning to a popular vote for major elections would totally own the libs.
[[Sorry not sorry, Hamilton.|Spend new menu 4]]<<set $Money to $Money -
293000000>><<set $EUtaxes = 1>>You pay Amazon's back taxes to the European Union,
a trivial $293,000,000 (or €263,677,000).
That's enough to host Eurovision eight times.
[[Can't beat Lordi. OK, what next?|Spend new menu 4]]<<set $Money to $Money -
20000000000>><<set $nasa = 1>>Rather than squander your money on private space flight
vanities, you put a solid $20 billion toward public astronautics, equal to NASA's annual budget.
Mitch McConnell calls you, thanking you for saving Congress the trouble of paying for "that society
of eggheads" for a year. You make very clear that the $20 billion is in
<em>addition</em> to its federal allotment, and any attempt on Congress's end to slash
the budget next year will mean all Congresspeople are banned forever from your private space cruises.
This is a lie, of course. You've already dismantled your private space agency, and once Grimes
convinces Elon it's the 420blazeit millennial thing to do, he'll follow suit as well.
[[Boldly going forward because we can't find reverse.|Spend new menu
5]]<<set $Money to $Money - 15800000000>><<set $amazonsalaries =
1>>You double the median Amazon worker's salary from poverty-level $28,000/yr to $56,000/yr,
much closer to the U.S. average. Your employees are able to lead lives with slightly more dignity.
While you're at it, you implement progressive policies getting rid of timed bathroom breaks and
those hilariously anti-union videos you've been forcing your employees to watch. The cost of this to
you is so negligible I'm not even going to model it.
[[Cool. What next?|Spend new menu 5]]<<set $Money to $Money - 2000000000>><<set
$artists = 1>>You spend $2 billion funding 10,000 artists-in-residence at various museums,
universities, and conservatories around the country. Each artist receives $50,000 a year for up to four
years, allowing them to pursue creative endeavors unfettered by the oppressive shackles of capitalism.
Your lawyers beg you to force the artists to wear a "sponsored by Amazon" badge on their
shirts for every day of their residencies. It's the least the artists can do, they argue, in
exchange for your generosity.
You fire these lawyers and use their retainer fees to fund a few more artists.
[[Nice.|Spend new menu 5]]<<set $Money to $Money - 380000000>><<set
$electoralcollege = 1>>Strictly speaking, the only thing necessary to abolish the United
States' Electoral College is the vote and ratification of 3/4 of the union, or 38 states. And
politicians? Are very cheap to purchase.
An average Senate seat costs $10 million, but you can win over sitting senators for less than that. The
House is a trickier proposition thanks to sheer numbers, but all you <em>really</em> need to
do to make the whole thing work is convince Republicans that abolishing a slavery-era system and
transitioning to a popular vote for major elections would totally own the libs.
[[Sorry not sorry, Hamilton.|Spend new menu 5]]<<set $Money to $Money -
293000000>><<set $EUtaxes = 1>>You pay Amazon's back taxes to the European Union,
a trivial $293,000,000 (or €263,677,000).
That's enough to host Eurovision eight times.
[[Can't beat Lordi. OK, what next?|Spend new menu 5]]<<set $Money to $Money -
20000000000>><<set $nasa = 1>>Rather than squander your money on private space flight
vanities, you put a solid $20 billion toward public astronautics, equal to NASA's annual budget.
Mitch McConnell calls you, thanking you for saving Congress the trouble of paying for "that society
of eggheads" for a year. You make very clear that the $20 billion is in
<em>addition</em> to its federal allotment, and any attempt on Congress's end to slash
the budget next year will mean all Congresspeople are banned forever from your private space cruises.
This is a lie, of course. You've already dismantled your private space agency, and once Grimes
convinces Elon it's the 420blazeit millennial thing to do, he'll follow suit as well.
[[Boldly going forward because we can't find reverse.|Spend phase
three]]<<set $Money to $Money - 15800000000>><<set $amazonsalaries =
1>>You double the median Amazon worker's salary from poverty-level $28,000/yr to $56,000/yr,
much closer to the U.S. average. Your employees are able to lead lives with slightly more dignity.
While you're at it, you implement progressive policies getting rid of timed bathroom breaks and
those hilariously anti-union videos you've been forcing your employees to watch. The cost of this to
you is so negligible I'm not even going to model it.
[[Cool. What next?|Spend phase three]]<<set $Money to $Money - 2000000000>><<set
$artists = 1>>You spend $2 billion funding 10,000 artists-in-residence at various museums,
universities, and conservatories around the country. Each artist receives $50,000 a year for up to four
years, allowing them to pursue creative endeavors unfettered by the oppressive shackles of capitalism.
Your lawyers beg you to force the artists to wear a "sponsored by Amazon" badge on their
shirts for every day of their residencies. It's the least the artists can do, they argue, in
exchange for your generosity.
You fire these lawyers and use their retainer fees to fund a few more artists.
[[Nice.|Spend phase three]]<<set $Money to $Money - 380000000>><<set
$electoralcollege = 1>>Strictly speaking, the only thing necessary to abolish the United
States' Electoral College is the vote and ratification of 3/4 of the union, or 38 states. And
politicians? Are very cheap to purchase.
An average Senate seat costs $10 million, but you can win over sitting senators for less than that. The
House is a trickier proposition thanks to sheer numbers, but all you <em>really</em> need to
do to make the whole thing work is convince Republicans that abolishing a slavery-era system and
transitioning to a popular vote for major elections would totally own the libs.
[[Sorry not sorry, Hamilton.|Spend phase three]]<<set $Money to $Money -
293000000>><<set $EUtaxes = 1>>You pay Amazon's back taxes to the European Union,
a trivial $293,000,000 (or €263,677,000).
That's enough to host Eurovision eight times.
[[Can't beat Lordi. OK, what next?|Spend phase three]]You strap a few drones to the back of
one of those horrifying Boston Dynamics dogs, which you were borrowing for some evil genius reason. That
should take care of that.
[[OK but I still hear something over by the door--|Spend phase three]]<<set $Money to
$Money - 57600000>><<set $buddies = 1>>The average graduate student has $57,600 in
loan debt. Your friends are anything but average, of course, but you also probably don't have 1,000
of them, so $57.6 million should cover you either way. Plus a few hundred strangers.
You spend any leftovers organizing a game studies conference, including covering transportation and
hotel expenses for all speakers. Todd Harper does the opening keynote and Mattie Brice oversees the wine
tasting session.
[[No speakers over the age of 45.|Spend phase three 3]]<<set $Money to $Money -
55000000>><<set $flint = 1>>You completely renovate the deteriorated water system of
Flint, Michigan, freeing its residents from corporate serfdom to Nestle.
This sets you back all of $55 million, or less than the cost of a single SpaceX rocket.
[[Literally this should have happened years ago already.|Spend phase three
3]]<<set $Money to $Money - 200000000>><<set $animals = 1>>For $5
million a year each, these aren't your run-of-the-mill animal shelters. These are full-featured
rescues, focused on providing for abused former circus animals and "exotic pets."
You know those videos testing whether tigers will sit in boxes and get high off catnip? That's the
kind of rescue you're funding.
[[Let the good times roll.|Spend phase three 4]]<<set $Money to $Money -
60000000>><<set $mythbusters = 1>>This isn't necessarily a good use of Jeff
Bezos' money, but you really liked the older seasons of Mythbusters that were basically
"Jackass for Nerds," the golden era of Adam Savage burning off his eyebrows and sticking his
mouth into vacuum motors.
You reboot the series for a limited one-season run with the original cast, to air commercial-free and
subscription-free on a bespoke online streaming service. The show tests all the myths that were
originally vetoed because of corporate meddling, like RFIDs in credit cards and hunting ducks with
pumpkins.
Anything left over from the $60 million budget will go toward reproducing that one time the Mythbusters
blew up a cement truck with dynamite, now properly captured on a high-speed camera.
[[Science!|Spend phase three 4]]<<set $Money to $Money - 57600000>><<set
$buddies = 1>>The average graduate student has $57,600 in loan debt. Your friends are anything but
average, of course, but you also probably don't have 1,000 of them, so $57.6 million should cover
you either way. Plus a few hundred strangers.
You spend any leftovers organizing a game studies conference, including covering transportation and
hotel expenses for all speakers. Todd Harper does the opening keynote and Mattie Brice oversees the wine
tasting session.
[[No speakers over the age of 45.|Spend phase three 4]]<<set $Money to $Money -
55000000>><<set $flint = 1>>You completely renovate the deteriorated water system of
Flint, Michigan, freeing its residents from corporate serfdom to Nestle.
This sets you back all of $55 million, or less than the cost of a single SpaceX rocket.
[[Literally this should have happened years ago already.|Spend phase three
4]]<<set $Money to $Money - 150000000>><<set $library = 1>>The cost
of a new public library can vary, but $15 million gets you a relatively fancy one. So obviously $150
million gets you 10 fancy ones!
Any remainder ought to go toward maintaining the libraries, since you built them and all.
[[Books are good.|Spend phase three 4]]<<set $Money to $Money - 100000000>><<set $vidya =
1>>Let's be real, there are two kinds of independent games: the ones made by former AAA devs
which often run into the millions and usually require outside investment, and stuff like this built in
Twine. So postulating that you can fund 100 indie games for $1 million each is some wild-ass math.
But let's say you fund, oh, 10 of those bigger games by industry veterans, and use the rest to
support 200 small indies. Or maybe you don't fund any Kickstarter games and instead donate every
last cent to your favorite avant-garde glitch grrl. Whatever you want, babe. It's your (Jeff
Bezos') money.
[[Take THAT, indiepocalypse.|Spend phase three 4]]<<set $Money to $Money -
200000000>><<set $animals = 1>>For $5 million a year each, these aren't your
run-of-the-mill animal shelters. These are full-featured rescues, focused on providing for abused former
circus animals and "exotic pets."
You know those videos testing whether tigers will sit in boxes and get high off catnip? That's the
kind of rescue you're funding.
[[Let the good times roll.|Spend phase three 5]]<<set $Money to $Money -
60000000>><<set $mythbusters = 1>>This isn't necessarily a good use of Jeff
Bezos' money, but you really liked the older seasons of Mythbusters that were basically
"Jackass for Nerds," the golden era of Adam Savage burning off his eyebrows and sticking his
mouth into vacuum motors.
You reboot the series for a limited one-season run with the original cast, to air commercial-free and
subscription-free on a bespoke online streaming service. The show tests all the myths that were
originally vetoed because of corporate meddling, like RFIDs in credit cards and hunting ducks with
pumpkins.
Anything left over from the $60 million budget will go toward reproducing that one time the Mythbusters
blew up a cement truck with dynamite, now properly captured on a high-speed camera.
[[Science!|Spend phase three 5]]<<set $Money to $Money - 57600000>><<set
$buddies = 1>>The average graduate student has $57,600 in loan debt. Your friends are anything but
average, of course, but you also probably don't have 1,000 of them, so $57.6 million should cover
you either way. Plus a few hundred strangers.
You spend any leftovers organizing a game studies conference, including covering transportation and
hotel expenses for all speakers. Todd Harper does the opening keynote and Mattie Brice oversees the wine
tasting session.
[[No speakers over the age of 45.|Spend phase three 5]]<<set $Money to $Money -
55000000>><<set $flint = 1>>You completely renovate the deteriorated water system of
Flint, Michigan, freeing its residents from corporate serfdom to Nestle.
This sets you back all of $55 million, or less than the cost of a single SpaceX rocket.
[[Literally this should have happened years ago already.|Spend phase three
5]]<<set $Money to $Money - 150000000>><<set $library = 1>>The cost
of a new public library can vary, but $15 million gets you a relatively fancy one. So obviously $150
million gets you 10 fancy ones!
Any remainder ought to go toward maintaining the libraries, since you built them and all.
[[Books are good.|Spend phase three 5]]<<set $Money to $Money - 100000000>><<set $vidya =
1>>Let's be real, there are two kinds of independent games: the ones made by former AAA devs
which often run into the millions and usually require outside investment, and stuff like this built in
Twine. So postulating that you can fund 100 indie games for $1 million each is some wild-ass math.
But let's say you fund, oh, 10 of those bigger games by industry veterans, and use the rest to
support 200 small indies. Or maybe you don't fund any Kickstarter games and instead donate every
last cent to your favorite avant-garde glitch grrl. Whatever you want, babe. It's your (Jeff
Bezos') money.
[[Take THAT, indiepocalypse.|Spend phase three 5]]<<set $Money to $Money -
200000000>><<set $animals = 1>>For $5 million a year each, these aren't your
run-of-the-mill animal shelters. These are full-featured rescues, focused on providing for abused former
circus animals and "exotic pets."
You know those videos testing whether tigers will sit in boxes and get high off catnip? That's the
kind of rescue you're funding.
[[Let the good times roll.|Spend phase three 6]]<<set $Money to $Money -
60000000>><<set $mythbusters = 1>>This isn't necessarily a good use of Jeff
Bezos' money, but you really liked the older seasons of Mythbusters that were basically
"Jackass for Nerds," the golden era of Adam Savage burning off his eyebrows and sticking his
mouth into vacuum motors.
You reboot the series for a limited one-season run with the original cast, to air commercial-free and
subscription-free on a bespoke online streaming service. The show tests all the myths that were
originally vetoed because of corporate meddling, like RFIDs in credit cards and hunting ducks with
pumpkins.
Anything left over from the $60 million budget will go toward reproducing that one time the Mythbusters
blew up a cement truck with dynamite, now properly captured on a high-speed camera.
[[Science!|Spend phase three 6]]<<set $Money to $Money
- 57600000>><<set $buddies = 1>>The average graduate student has $57,600 in loan debt.
Your friends are anything but average, of course, but you also probably don't have 1,000 of them, so
$57.6 million should cover you either way. Plus a few hundred strangers.
You spend any leftovers organizing a game studies conference, including covering transportation and
hotel expenses for all speakers. Todd Harper does the opening keynote and Mattie Brice oversees the wine
tasting session.
[[No speakers over the age of 45.|Spend phase three 6]]<<set $Money to $Money -
55000000>><<set $flint = 1>>You completely renovate the deteriorated water system of
Flint, Michigan, freeing its residents from corporate serfdom to Nestle.
This sets you back all of $55 million, or less than the cost of a single SpaceX rocket.
[[Literally this should have happened years ago already.|Spend phase three
6]]<<set $Money to $Money - 150000000>><<set $library = 1>>The cost
of a new public library can vary, but $15 million gets you a relatively fancy one. So obviously $150
million gets you 10 fancy ones!
Any remainder ought to go toward maintaining the libraries, since you built them and all.
[[Books are good.|Spend phase three 6]]<<set $Money to $Money - 100000000>><<set $vidya =
1>>Let's be real, there are two kinds of independent games: the ones made by former AAA devs
which often run into the millions and usually require outside investment, and stuff like this built in
Twine. So postulating that you can fund 100 indie games for $1 million each is some wild-ass math.
But let's say you fund, oh, 10 of those bigger games by industry veterans, and use the rest to
support 200 small indies. Or maybe you don't fund any Kickstarter games and instead donate every
last cent to your favorite avant-garde glitch grrl. Whatever you want, babe. It's your (Jeff
Bezos') money.
[[Take THAT, indiepocalypse.|Spend phase three 6]]<<set $Money to $Money -
200000000>><<set $animals = 1>>For $5 million a year each, these aren't your
run-of-the-mill animal shelters. These are full-featured rescues, focused on providing for abused former
circus animals and "exotic pets."
You know those videos testing whether tigers will sit in boxes and get high off catnip? That's the
kind of rescue you're funding.
[[Let the good times roll.|Spend phase four]]<<set $Money to $Money -
60000000>><<set $mythbusters = 1>>This isn't necessarily a good use of Jeff
Bezos' money, but you really liked the older seasons of Mythbusters that were basically
"Jackass for Nerds," the golden era of Adam Savage burning off his eyebrows and sticking his
mouth into vacuum motors.
You reboot the series for a limited one-season run with the original cast, to air commercial-free and
subscription-free on a bespoke online streaming service. The show tests all the myths that were
originally vetoed because of corporate meddling, like RFIDs in credit cards and hunting ducks with
pumpkins.
Anything left over from the $60 million budget will go toward reproducing that one time the Mythbusters
blew up a cement truck with dynamite, now properly captured on a high-speed camera.
[[Science!|Spend phase four]]<<set $Money to $Money - 57600000>><<set
$buddies = 1>>The average graduate student has $57,600 in loan debt. Your friends are anything but
average, of course, but you also probably don't have 1,000 of them, so $57.6 million should cover
you either way. Plus a few hundred strangers.
You spend any leftovers organizing a game studies conference, including covering transportation and
hotel expenses for all speakers. Todd Harper does the opening keynote and Mattie Brice oversees the wine
tasting session.
[[No speakers over the age of 45.|Spend phase four]]<<set $Money to $Money -
55000000>><<set $flint = 1>>You completely renovate the deteriorated water system of
Flint, Michigan, freeing its residents from corporate serfdom to Nestle.
This sets you back all of $55 million, or less than the cost of a single SpaceX rocket.
[[Literally this should have happened years ago already.|Spend phase
four]]<<set $Money to $Money - 150000000>><<set $library = 1>>The cost
of a new public library can vary, but $15 million gets you a relatively fancy one. So obviously $150
million gets you 10 fancy ones!
Any remainder ought to go toward maintaining the libraries, since you built them and all.
[[Books are good.|Spend phase four]]<<set $Money to $Money - 100000000>><<set $vidya =
1>>Let's be real, there are two kinds of independent games: the ones made by former AAA devs
which often run into the millions and usually require outside investment, and stuff like this built in
Twine. So postulating that you can fund 100 indie games for $1 million each is some wild-ass math.
But let's say you fund, oh, 10 of those bigger games by industry veterans, and use the rest to
support 200 small indies. Or maybe you don't fund any Kickstarter games and instead donate every
last cent to your favorite avant-garde glitch grrl. Whatever you want, babe. It's your (Jeff
Bezos') money.
[[Take THAT, indiepocalypse.|Spend phase four]]<<set $Money to $Money -
1000>>You literally throw money at the problem and tape together 10 printer-fresh $100 bills end
to end, using them as a makeshift bandage around the barista's wound.
They grimace. It's not a great way to dress a cut, but it's probably better than nothing, and
they appreciate the fact you're trying, at least.
[[Make a break for the sewers|Captured]]You inform the barista that you will fully cover their
medical expenses if that cut gets any worse.
They give you a sour look and say nothing. It's clear they aren't impressed.
[[Well, OK. Let's try to reach the sewers.|Captured]]<strong>It's no use!</strong>
Sewers actually aren't all that spacious, and also, manhole covers are really heavy!
The police catch up to you while you are swearing and nursing your stubbed toe. Maybe you should've
run out of your luxury apartment wearing something sturdier than slippers. You and your three barista
allies are arrested on the spot.
[[Oh.|Charges]]You and your college-aged accomplices are each charged with resisting arrest, the most
fascist bullshit charge. Additionally, you are charged with one count of destabilizing capitalism, while
the three baristas are charged with pirating anime.
<<if $Money gte 1000000>>[[Bribe the cops to let the baristas go (-$1 million)|Release
baristas]]<<else>><strike>Bribe the cops to let the baristas go (-$1
million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if $Money gte 227000000>>[[Pay bail for baristas and everyone else in the city's jail
system (-$227 million)|Bail jail]]<<else>><strike>Pay bail for baristas and everyone
else in the city's jail system (-$227 million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if $Money lt 1000000>>[[Welp|Bail jail alt
2]]<<endif>><<set $Money to $Money - 1000000>>The cops don't so
much as bat an eye before accepting your terms. They undo the three baristas' handcuffs and quietly
destroy the forms they had started to fill out.
The three baristas flee into the night, off to brew coffee and create latte foam art for many happy days
to come. One of them -- the one with the lip ring -- looks back over their shoulder only once, locking
eyes with you from where you still sit in the back of the squad car.
Then they are gone.
[[Off to jail I guess.|Bail jail alt]]<<set $Money to $Money - 227000000>>You pay the
cash bail for your three coffee-making accomplices, as well as the entire jail population of the city --
about 12,000 people.
The police, catching wise, put your own bail at an absolutely unheard-of $<<print
window.formatNumber($Money)>>. There's no way anyone would pay that!
[[Pay the bail|Game over 1]]
[[Demand to see your lawyer|Lawyer]]<<set $Money to 0>>Well.
Apparently one person would pay a bail like that, and that person is you, Jeff Bezos.
There's a bit more paperwork involved, and of course a lot of waiting, but at the end of it, you are
free.
You walk down the front steps of the jail, brushing dirt from your bathrobe, bombarded left and right by
cameras and journalists of every stripe.
A car waits for you. Not your own -- It's Elon Musk's personal Tesla, and he's very cross
with you right now.
[[Get in the car|Game over 2]]Because you are white and wealthy, the law works differently for
you. You are granted a phone call to your lawyer.
Unfortunately, you don't know the number to Jeff Bezos' lawyer, or even who they are. <<if
$artists eq 1>>You recall talking to <em>some</em> lawyers, but you're pretty sure
you fired those. <<endif>>You realize that if you're going to do anything with this one
phone call, it should be something to try to get rid of as much of your remaining wealth as possible.
What do you spend Jeff Bezos' money on?
<<if $puertorico eq 0>>[[Donate all you have left toward rebuilding Puerto Rico|Donate PR
end]]<<else>><strike>Repair Puerto Rico (-$139
billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($personaltaxes eq 0)>>[[Pay off as much as you can of your taxes|Personal taxes
end]]<<else>><strike>Pay personal taxes (-$57.72
billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($teachers eq 0)>>[[Donate everything to the National Education Association|teachers
end]]<<else>><strike>Hire 100,000 new teachers for four years each (-$22.4
billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($homelessness eq 0)>>[[Put everything toward your local homeless shelter|Homelessness
end]]<<else>><strike>End homelessness in the United States (-$20
billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($nasa eq 0)>>[[Give it all to NASA|NASA end]]<<else>><strike>Fund
NASA for a year (-$20 billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($amazonsalaries eq 0)>>[[Pay all your Amazon employees a bonus|Amazon salaries
end]]<<else>><strike>Double every Amazon employee's salary (-$15.8
billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($artists eq 0)>>[[Create an endowment for artists-in-residence|Artists
end]]<<else>><strike>Support 10,000 artists in residence for four years each (-$2
billion)</strike><<endif>>
<<if ($flint eq 0)>>[[Put everything toward fixing the Flint Water Crisis|Flint
end]]<<else>><strike>Fix the Flint Water Crisis (-$55
million)</strike><<endif>>
<<if $anime eq 0>>[[Pay for your anime|Anime end]]<<else>><strike>Bankroll
anime (-$3 million)</strike><<endif>>
[[Fucking keep it, I'll represent myself|Bad end]]You donate everything you have left
toward rebuilding Puerto Rico. <<if $Money gte 1000000000>>The sum is significant and goes
some ways toward the island's recovery. It won't fix everything, but it helps, and you can be
sure the funds won't go to waste.<<else>>All donations are welcome, of course, but you
can't help but feel you could've been more useful if you had prioritized
better.<<endif>>
<<set $Money to 0>>After finishing your phone call, you return quietly to your cell. If
#BezosIsBae is still trending on Twitter, you're sure someone is raising money for your legal fees
right now, but you absolutely refuse to use it.
There is nothing more that you can do for now.
[[Wait.|Transform]]You spend your remaining wealth paying your taxes. <<if $Money
gte 57720000000>>Not only do you have enough to cover everything you actually owe (based on some
very quick and dirty math), but you decide to just go ahead and give the federal government everything
else while you're at it.<<else>>It's not enough to actually cover everything you owe
(based on some admittedly shoddy math), but it's officially more than the squatter in the White
House has paid lately.<<endif>> And as loathesome as it may seem to pay taxes in this
kleptocracy, the majority of tax collected still goes toward social services, for whatever peace of mind
that's worth.
<<set $Money to 0>>After finishing your phone call, you return quietly to your cell. If
#BezosIsBae is still trending on Twitter, you're sure someone is raising money for your legal fees
right now, but you absolutely refuse to use it.
There is nothing more that you can do for now.
[[Wait.|Transform]]You donate everything you have left to the National Educational
Association, the largest teachers' union in the United States. <<if $Money gte
1000000000>>Being teachers, the union is completely unaccustomed to getting money for things, much
less this <em>much</em>.<<else>>It isn't much, but teachers in this country
are unfortunately used to accepting crumbs.<<endif>> While the money can't go directly
toward hiring new teachers, you'll be bolstering the union and you trust they'll use the money
responsibly.
<<set $Money to 0>>After finishing your phone call, you return quietly to your cell. If
#BezosIsBae is still trending on Twitter, you're sure someone is raising money for your legal fees
right now, but you absolutely refuse to use it.
There is nothing more that you can do for now.
[[Wait.|Transform]]You donate your remaining wealth to a local homeless shelter, who are
more than happy to accept it. <<if $Money gte 1000000000>>The folks on the phone can't
believe their ears when you tell them the amount.<<else>>It's not the largest check you
could write, but every little bit helps.<<endif>>
<<set $Money to 0>>After finishing your phone call, you return quietly to your cell. If
#BezosIsBae is still trending on Twitter, you're sure someone is raising money for your legal fees
right now, but you absolutely refuse to use it.
There is nothing more that you can do for now.
[[Wait.|Transform]]You call up NASA and donate every last penny of your personal
wealth. <<if $Money gte 1000000000>>After years of budget cuts and getting generally
shortchanged by an anti-science government, the agency is of course all too thrilled to accept.
Congrats: You've made a meaningful contribution to space exploration that wasn't just based on
your own fucking vanity.<<else>>It isn't the largest donation ever made in the name of
space exploration, but you want to believe you've helped do your bit, at least.<<endif>>
<<set $Money to 0>>After finishing your phone call, you return quietly to your cell. If
#BezosIsBae is still trending on Twitter, you're sure someone is raising money for your legal fees
right now, but you absolutely refuse to use it.
There is nothing more that you can do for now.
[[Wait.|Transform]]You call up your most senior vice president at Amazon (whose number
you only remember because of how many times they called <em>you</em> today) and tell them to
split the remains of your wealth among your approximately half a million employees, as well as many
contractors as you can afford. <<if $Money gte 15800000000>>A salary bump for the long term
would've been better, but getting about a year's salary all at once as an early holiday bonus
isn't the worst thing in the world.<<else>>In true Jeff Bezos fashion, you're
shortchanging them again, but at least it's better than nothing.<<endif>>
<<set $Money to 0>>After finishing your phone call, you return quietly to your cell. If
#BezosIsBae is still trending on Twitter, you're sure someone is raising money for your legal fees
right now, but you absolutely refuse to use it.
There is nothing more that you can do for now.
[[Wait.|Transform]]You call up your alma mater or equivalent and request the creation
of a new artists' endowment. <<if $Money gte 1000000000>>The fund will contribute
significantly to supporting individual artists by relieving them of the task to monetize their
creativity for at least a short while.<<else>>It isn't the biggest arts fund ever, but
the chairperson you speak with assures you that other "like-minded" billionaires will surely
follow suit to match your donation. So that's a start.<<endif>>
<<set $Money to 0>>After finishing your phone call, you return quietly to your cell. If
#BezosIsBae is still trending on Twitter, you're sure someone is raising money for your legal fees
right now, but you absolutely refuse to use it.
There is nothing more that you can do for now.
[[Wait.|Transform]]You put your remaining wealth toward addressing the Flint Water
Crisis. <<if $Money gte 55000000>>The cost of repairing the town's water system is so
trivial, it's a wonder countless others haven't already stepped up to do
so.<<else>>It isn't quite enough to completely cover the town's new water system,
but it's more than what others are doing, and unlike certain other billionaires you don't try to
'innovate' a cheaper solution.<<endif>>
<<set $Money to 0>>After finishing your phone call, you return quietly to your cell. If
#BezosIsBae is still trending on Twitter, you're sure someone is raising money for your legal fees
right now, but you absolutely refuse to use it.
There is nothing more that you can do for now.
[[Wait.|Transform]]You spend all your money on anime. This seems appropriate.
<<set $Money to 0>>After finishing your phone call, you return quietly to your cell. If
#BezosIsBae is still trending on Twitter, you're sure someone is raising money for your legal fees
right now, but you absolutely refuse to use it.
There is nothing more that you can do for now.
[[Wait.|Transform]]Unfortunately, no amount of legal self-defense can overcome a charge
like "high treason by undermining capitalism."
You are found guilty on all counts and sentenced to the harshest punishment society can bestow upon a
wealthy white man.
Go on. Guess what it is.
[[Uh.|That's the joke]]<<set $ending_neutral to 1>>You ride in silence for
several miles.
"So," Elon says at last, eyes straight ahead, voice even. "That was a hell of a bender
you went on today, my friend."
<<if $endcondition eq 1>>Did I say at the beginning you would return to your original body
after you spent all of Jeff Bezos' money? That was actually just a wild
guess.<<else>>Were you expecting something to happen once you spent all of Jeff Bezos'
money?<<endif>> Maybe you fucked it up by blowing everything you had left on your own
well-being rather than someone else. Or maybe you were always doomed to remain in a gross middle-aged
man's body, no matter what you did.
"Yeah," you say absently, with Jeff Bezos' vocal cords.
"Don't worry," Elon assures you. He sounds kind, empathetic. <em>I have been in your
shoes,</em> the voice says. You wonder about the implications of that. "We can totally start
a GoFundMe for you now."
<center><strong>NEUTRAL END</strong>
<small>[[Credits|Works Referenced]]
[[Play again|Intro]]</small></center>You wait. There is little else to do.
You sit and contemplate your (admittedly brief) existence as Jeff Bezos. The unimaginable wealth you
struggled to spend. The problems that lay outside even your ability to fix.
Was it really worth anything at all, to rid the world of one man's billions? Was this really the
best you could do?
With this thought in your head, you lie down on your hard jail bunk, and slowly, you drift off to sleep.
[[...|Fake intro]]At in-processing, your bail is set at outrageous $<<print
window.formatNumber($Money)>>. It seems the cops have caught wise and intend to either squeeze you
for all you're worth or at least ensure you can't give any more of your money away.
[[Pay the bail|Game over 1]]
[[Demand to speak with your lawyer|Lawyer]]YEAH IT'S FUCKING NOTHING.
You get a suspended sentence and a handshake from the judge. Sorry, did you forget you were Jeff Bezos?
[[Sigh.|Bad luck bozo]]<<set $ending_bad to 1>>Outside on the courthouse steps,
your legions of admirers greet you with the results of their GoFundMe campaign, put together to cover
the legal fees you didn't actually incur.
Peter Thiel is there to personally present you with the check. When you see the value, all the blood
drains from your face.
The check is for $156,000,000,000.
Around you, your supporters and fellow billionaires cheer. Somewhere in the crowd, a gaggle of college
libertarians strike up a chord of "We Shall Overcome."
You weep. The tears flow freely down your face. Peter misinterprets your reaction as gratitude and wraps
you up in a massive, warm hug.
[[You are still Jeff Bezos.|Intro]]
<center><strong>BAD END</strong></center>When you wake up this morning
from unsettling dreams, you find yourself changed in your bed into a monstrous vermin.
[[You are Elon Musk.|True end]]<<set $ending_true to
1>><center><large><strong>TRUE END</strong></large>
<small>[[Credits|Works Referenced]]</small></center><center><strong><u>WORKS
REFERENCED</u></strong></center>
Dean, Sam. "How much does it cost to host the Eurovision Song Contest and is it worth it?" The
Telegraph. May 13, 2016. <a
href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/business/2016/05/13/how-much-does-it-cost-eurovision-song-contest-and-is-it-worth-it/"
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<center>[[Back to start|Intro]]</center>...Wait, did you
actually
get your money to zero?
[[Seems like it|Early win 2]]I'm gonna be honest with you, I didn't design for that. You
should literally not be able to do this.
[[Sorry?|Early win 3]]NO DON'T APOLOGIZE THIS IS WONDERFUL. You spent all of Jeff
Bezos' fucking money!
Come over here. I have something to show you.
[[Al.. all right...?|Early win 4]]
[[No thanks, I'd like to continue playing the normal route (+$1 billion)|Route
return]]You pull back a curtain at the back of the subway car to find yourself in a strange
control room, full of illuminated monitors and levers the purpose for which you could not guess. On the
screens you see... yourself, or rather your current self, bald and glossy in an expensive bathrobe.
Seated at the main terminal, dwarfed by their high-backed leather chair, is a single hedgehog. Not the
blue and sassy type; just the regular kind.
"Welcome to my workshop," I say, from the chair. Because that's me. The hedgehog.
"Congratulations. You are the first test subject to ever make it to this place."
[[Pet the hedgehog|Pet hedgehog]]
[[Are you the reason I'm in Jeff Bezos' body?|Early win 5]]I indulge your attempts to pet
me, although really, I would've preferred if you had asked first. My quills are pokey but not
painful, a bit like touching a scrub brush.
[[Thanks. Just had to get that out of the way.|Pet hedgehog 2]]"Correct! Well,
technically, you opted into it yourself when you clicked the first link at the beginning of the
game." I scrub at my twitching face with a little paw. "But I have to say, I'm impressed.
Usually it isn't possible for a player to actually zero out their funds this early on. You're
something special. So, I have a proposition for you."
[[Oh god. Don't make me run your creepy chocolate factory.|Early win
6]]"Look, I get it," I say. "Anyone who puts a cuddly animal in a game and
doesn't let you pet it is a total monster. But also please don't touch sapient creatures without
their consent."
[[Sorry.|Pet hedgehog 3]]"I'll look past it this time. I mean, these
<em>are</em> unusual circumstances."
[[So you're the reason I'm in this gross dude's body?|Early win
5]]"Oh christ, no," says the hedgehog, which is me. "No, no, no. I'm
talking about getting you out of that guy's body. <<if $endcondition eq 1>>I know I said
in the beginning that wiping out Bezos' money would disintegrate his physical form and free you, but
the truth is, I was just making shit up as I went. <<endif>>What usually happens with a test
subject when they run out of money is I either reset them or transfer them to another billionaire."
"Hold on," you say, "<<if $endcondition eq 1>>so you lied to me? To...
<<endif>>how many people did you say you'd done this to?"
"More people than there are billionaires at this point. Listen, time is sort of weird here."
[[But WHY?|Early win 7]]I raise both my tiny paws into the air.
"TO SPEND ALL OF JEFF BEZOS' FUCKING MONEY," I intone. "Do I actually
<em>need</em> another reason?"
That's a fair point.
"I expected like five, maybe ten people to wander into this simulation, and instead I've got
tens of thousands of you to handle," I continue. "This is my first published game, you know? I
kind of just wanted to write something funny for my friends. But now you've gone and broken the
simulator by <em>being too good at the thing I was asking you to do.</em>"
[[That's not MY fault.|Early win 8]]"And that's why I've got a proposition for
you!" I gesture toward the monitors behind me. "I'm giving you a
<em>choice</em> of which body you want to end up in. Anyone, billionaire or not, public
figure or not. It just can't be your own."
[[Sure, OK.|Early win 9]]
[[But I just want to go home.|Original body]]"Great. I'm so glad you see it
my way here."
I scrabble up onto the main terminal, back feet kicking in the air in a hilarious way for a moment as I
claw for leverage. Then I set about flipping some switches.
Above us, the glowing monitors flicker, and the surveillance shots of Jeff Bezos are replaced by a
gallery of different faces.
"All right," I say. "Same rules apply as Bezos: their net wealth will be your net wealth;
nothing you say or do will convince that person's friends and family you aren't who you appear
to be."
[[I pick Elon Musk.|Pick Elon]]
[[Let's do one of the Koch brothers.|Pick Koch]]
[[Mark Zuckerberg, I guess?|Pick Zuckerberg]]
[[I'll go with Bill Gates.|Pick Gates]]
[[Uh, the squatter in the White House.|Pick Trump]]
[[Wait, you're just trying to stick me inside another billionaire!|Called
out]]"Oh," I say, looking about as sheepish as a hedgehog can look. "Well, uh,
you can't. I sort of had to disintegrate your real body in order to put you in Jeff Bezos."
[[WHAT?!|Original body 2]]"Well, think about it! If I didn't, he would be out there
spending <em>your</em> money right now! Did you want that?"
[[My body and I may have had some disagreements but I'd still prefer it to being another gross
billionaire!|Original body 3]]
[[You know what, fine. Put me in a new body then.|Early win 9]]"Oh yeah, it's
<em>so</em> difficult, having more money than the GDP of some entire countries," I say,
narrowing my beady black rodent eyes. "Look, your body is gone, I can't undo that. I could
stick you into the body of someone else in your old life if you want? A sibling, a significant other? A
pet?"
[[But what happens to them?|Original body 4]]"Well... You know that movie
<em>Get Out</em>?"
[[Oh jesus god.|Original body 5]]"Yep. So uh, Bezos has actually been aware the whole
time you've been in his body. Just imagine him watching, helpless, as you chip away at his vast
fortune."
[[I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS.|Original body 6]]"YOU LITERALLY ASKED FOR THIS
WHEN YOU CLICKED THE LINK," I say, stamping a small paw on the arm of my chair. "It's too
late to feel sorry for the parasite <em>now</em>."
[[Fine, I guess. Put me in someone else's body.|Early win 9]]
[[Can't I at least get a robot body?|Robot body]]"I mean, I guess, yeah, if you
don't mind Moore's Law and planned obsolescence and missing half the physiological input that
makes you human--"
[[DETAILS. GIMME ROBOT BODY.|Robot body 2]]
[[Yeah no, let's see my flesh options, I guess.|Early win 9]]<<set $secretelon =
1>>"Huh," I say. "Really? I mean... I'm not complaining. It's just
that's kind of already covered under the True End?"
You shrug. The dude's easy to hate.
"Oh, well." I nudge a switch with my little rodent nose. "Go ahead and lie down over
there and we'll get started."
[[Heck yeah, time to date Grimes and shitpost on Twitter.|Early win
slab]]<<set $secretkoch = 1>>"Which Koch brother?" I, the hedgehog, ask.
You shrug. It doesn't really matter, does it?
"Well, fine. I'll just pick one, I guess." I use my bony, eerily sapien little paws to
flip a couple switches on the terminal. "Go lie down and we'll get started."
[[Great. Time to own the lib(ertarian)s.|Early win slab]]<<set $secretzuckerberg =
1>>"A little conventional, but not bad," I note with approval.
You roll your eyes. You don't need your life choices interrogated by a hedgehog.
Which, well, fair enough. "Go lie down over there and I'll start the transfer."
[[Time to put the 'the' back in Facebook.|Early win slab]]<<set $secretgates =
1>>"Ah, the oldschool choice," I say, flipping a few levers on the main command
terminal. "I'll let you in on a little secret, I was reluctant to write him into this
simulation at first because he and his wife kinda feel like the best of a bad lot? But they're still
billionaires, so."
Yep. Exactly. So.
"Well, go lie down and we'll get started."
[[I have so many badly compressed gifs from the 90s prepared for this moment.|Early win
slab]]<<set $secrettrump = 1>>"Incidentally," you say, as I scurry over
the console flipping switches and pressing buttons, "is there a reason you haven't referred to
the guy by name once in this whole simulator thing?"
"Names have power," I answer. "And he's not worth any. Sometimes it feels like
we've all forgotten he wasn't even legitimately elected. Anyway, if you're sure you want to
do this, I'm all ready to go over here. Go lie down and we'll start the transfer."
[[I can't say I'm actually excited about this but all right.|Early win
slab]]How does a hedgehog look guilty? I'm not sure, but I'm managing it, apparently.
"You got me," I admit. "This ending was really just designed to gauge interest in a
sequel."
[[Can't I just be a cat or something??|Cat body]]I sigh, which, as a hedgehog, is
extremely adorable.
"You got it, kid," I say, sounding put-upon. "Go lie down on that operating table over
there and I'll start the mind transfer. When you wake up, you'll be in your very own robot
body."
[[Sweet!|Robot body 3]]You lie down on the operating slab as instructed. I scurry out of
your range of vision, fiddling with buttons and levers. As you relax against the metal table, you find
your eyelids growing heavy.
In seconds, you have drifted off into unconsciousness.
[[~*~|Robot body 4]]When you wake up this morning from a terrifying black dreamless
void, you find yourself changed in your bed into a headless, eyeless, four-legged assembly of gyros and
motion sensors.
[[You are a Boston Dynamics dog.|Big no]]<<set $ending_secret3 to 1>>Maybe you
should've been more specific about the <em>type</em> of robot body you wanted to
inhabit.
Tongueless, lungless, incapable of speech, your silent screams of "NOOOOOOOOOOOO" go unheard
as scientists 'humorously' trip you and knock you off-balance for viral video clicks for the
rest of your existence. Your unseeing plastic googly eyes wobble towards cameras you cannot perceive,
asking for a merciful death you will never be granted.
<center><strong>SECRET END 3</strong>
<small>[[Credits|Works Referenced]]</small></center>"Pfft. Okay, furry."
[[You are LITERALLY A HEDGEHOG.|Cat body 2]]"A stylistic choice," I say, with a paw flourish.
"My actual fursona is an okapi. But fine, you really wanna be a cat? That's easy enough. Just
lie down on that operating slab over there and I'll get the mind transfer started."
[[Wait, I changed my mind. I'll be a billionaire after all.|Billionaire selection 2]]
[[Meow.|Cat body 3]]It's not really what you thought you were signing up for, but
you guess it's nice to have <em>some</em> agency at the end of this, right? Which
billionaire do you inhabit?
[[Elon Musk|Pick Elon]]
[[A Koch brother|Pick Koch]]
[[Mark Zuckerberg|Pick Zuckerberg]]
[[Bill Gates|Pick Gates]]
[[The monstrous vermin in the White House|Pick Trump]]You drop yourself down on the operating
table as I, a hedgehog, scurry over the complicated computer terminals, flipping switches and adjusting
dials with a degree of precision which shouldn't be possible given my tiny rodent fingers.
As you lay under the strong halogen lights, you find your body grow sluggish and heavy. Within a minute,
you've drifted off to sleep.
[[Mrrp|Cat body end]]When you wake up this morning from bird chasing dreams, you find
yourself changed in your bed into a pint-sized vermin-catcher.
[[You are a cat.|Cat body end 2]]<<set $ending_secret2 to 1>>Perhaps you
should've asked what was going to happen to your theory of mind once it was crammed into a house
cat's skull.
As the last of your human consciousness fades, you lose any concept you once had of money or property.
You roll onto your back, stretching your paws in the air, enjoying the sunbeam falling upon you.
Later, perhaps you will knock something off a table.
<center><strong>SECRET END 2</strong>
<small>[[Credits|Works Referenced]]</small></center><<if $secretelon eq
1>>When you wake up this morning from unsettling dreams, you find yourself changed in your bed
into a monstrous vermin.
[[You are Elon Musk, but like, of your own volition this time.|Secret end
final]]<<endif>><<if $secretkoch eq 1>>When you wake up this morning from
unsettling dreams, you find yourself changed in your bed into a monstrous vermin.
[[You are Charles Koch.|Secret end final]]<<endif>><<if $secretzuckerberg eq
1>>When you wake up this morning from unsettling dreams, you find yourself changed in your bed
into a monstrous vermin.
[[You are Mark Zuckerberg.|Secret end final]]<<endif>><<if $secretgates eq
1>>When you wake up this morning from unsettling dreams, you find yourself changed in your bed
into a surprisingly likable vermin (but still vermin).
[[You are Bill Gates.|Secret end final]]<<endif>><<if $secrettrump eq 1>>When
you wake up this morning from unsettling dreams, you find yourself changed in your bed into a festering
pile of garbage upon which other monstrous vermin feed.
[[You are Donald Trump.|Secret end final]]<<endif>><<set
$ending_secret1 to 1>><center><strong>SECRET END 1</strong>
<small>[[Credits|Works Referenced]]</small></center><<if $bathroom eq
1>>YOU CAN'T KEEP GOING TO THE BATHROOM TO EARN MONEY IN THIS GAME THAT'S NOT HOW IT W--
oh, <em>fine</em>, coffee is a diuretic, I guess I'll give you this one. But make it
quick.<<else>>To be fair, coffee <em>is</em> a diuretic. But try to be quick
about it, will you?<<endif>>
[[Take for-fucking-ever|Coffee bathroom 2]]<<set $Money to $Money +
60000000>>Despite my clear instructions, and the fact you're in a coffee shop bathroom and
there are other customers, you take your damn time in there.
By the time you flush<<if $bathroom eq 1>> (again)<<endif>>, you've earned
$60,000,000. I'll let you do the math.
[[Ahhhh.|Spend phase three 5]]<<set $Money to $Money + 1000000000>>Suit yourself. But
here, take a little cash injection to get you through the rest of the game.
[[Cheers|Spend phase three 3]]You head over to the operating slab I, the hedgehog, have indicated,
lying down under the oppressive halogen lights.
Fatigue seeps into your body almost the instant you lie down. It doesn't even take a minute for you
to fall asleep.
[[***|Secret end]]<<if $bathroom eq 1>>YOU CAN'T KEEP GOING TO THE
BATHROOM TO EARN MONEY IN THIS GAME THAT'S NOT HOW IT W-- oh, <em>fine</em>, coffee is a
diuretic, I guess I'll give you this one. But make it quick.<<else>>To be fair, coffee
<em>is</em> a diuretic. But try to be quick about it, will you?<<endif>>
[[Take for-fucking-ever|Coffee bathroom 4]]<<if $bathroom eq
1>>YOU CAN'T KEEP GOING TO THE BATHROOM TO EARN MONEY IN THIS GAME THAT'S NOT HOW IT W--
oh, <em>fine</em>, coffee is a diuretic, I guess I'll give you this one. But make it
quick.<<else>>To be fair, coffee <em>is</em> a diuretic. But try to be quick
about it, will you?<<endif>>
[[Take for-fucking-ever|Coffee bathroom 6]]<<set $Money to $Money +
60000000>>Despite my clear instructions, and the fact you're in a coffee shop bathroom and
there are other customers, you take your damn time in there.
By the time you flush<<if $bathroom eq 1>> (again)<<endif>>, you've earned
$60,000,000. I'll let you do the math.
[[Ahhhh.|Spend phase three 5]]<<set $Money to $Money + 60000000>>Despite my
clear instructions, and the fact you're in a coffee shop bathroom and there are other customers, you
take your damn time in there.
By the time you flush<<if $bathroom eq 1>> (again)<<endif>>, you've earned
$60,000,000. I'll let you do the math.
[[Ahhhh.|Spend phase three 6]]At jail, the police put your bail at an absolutely unheard-of
$<<print window.formatNumber($Money)>>. There's no way anyone would pay that!
[[Pay the bail|Game over 1]]
[[Demand to see your lawyer|Lawyer]]This page shows which of the
game's endings you have unlocked. There are six in total.
<ul><li><<if $ending_true eq 1>>True Ending - You Are Elon Musk
✔<<else>>True Ending<<endif>></li>
<li><<if $ending_neutral eq 1>>Neutral Ending - Hell of a Bender
✔<<else>>Neutral Ending<<endif>></li>
<li><<if $ending_bad eq 1>>Bad Ending - Groundhog (Prime) Day ✔<<else>>Bad
Ending<<endif>></li>
<li><<if $ending_secret1 eq 1>>Secret Ending 1 - A Hell of My Own Choosing
✔<<else>>Secret Ending 1<<endif>></li>
<li><<if $ending_secret2 eq 1>>Secret Ending 2 - Toxoplasmosis Jones
✔<<else>>Secret Ending 2<<endif>></li>
<li><<if $ending_secret3 eq 1>>Secret Ending 3 - I Have No Muzzle and I Must Scream
✔<<else>>Secret Ending 3<<endif>></li></ul>
[[Back|Intro]]